it's a wrap!

PMS

ashleewong — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 10:07:33 +0000

Ok, To be honest, I never actually gave much thought to this when some of friends tell me they suffer from this to explain their mood swings and anger. It was merely a passing thought. I personally have never been much of a victim to mood swings and stuff like that. Until today.

Excerpt from Wikipedia (I love Wikipedia by the way! No to SOPA )
“Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) (also called PMT or premenstrual tension) is a collection of physical and emotional symptoms related to a woman’s menstrual cycle. The specific emotional and physical symptoms attributable to PMS vary from woman to woman, but each individual woman’s pattern of symptoms is predictable, occurs consistently during the ten days prior to menses, and vanishes either shortly before or shortly after the start of menstrual flow.
More than 200 different symptoms have been associated with PMS, but the three most prominent symptoms are irritability, tension, and dysphoria (unhappiness).”

I called up my best friend and ranted about something, went all emotional and angry, complete with tears and a bit of sobs. In the middle of the conversation I said, I think I have PMS. She replied in a serious tone, “Yes, I think you do too. Because if you take a step back and think about it, it’s actually not that big a deal.”
And I went, hey, yeah, it is not thattttt bad actually. So why was I ALL worked up and distraught? Hmmm. I credit it (or rather blame it!) on the silly syndrome. Nothing to do with my nature at all. *smug

L’arc-en-ciel

ashleewong — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 11:29:24 +0000

L’arc-en-ciel, the arch in the sky literally. it refers to the rainbow.
I cannot quite fathom why colourless, invisible light can be shattered into so many prisms of colour.
I cannot say I have found a singel person who hated the rainbow. But I have encountered many whom even though they have no inkling of it’s symbolic meaning, find hope in it. That is a mystery.
I guess that’s the one more of the many million things that I do not understand.
Oh it’s a good thing. The world loses it’s mystery if everything could be understaood so easily.
I guess that’s why there are many mysteries kept locked up, of some get revealed in due course, of some we will never know the ryhme and reason.
Maybe if all things were revealed, there is nothing left to look forward to, we already know what’s happening. There is no need for hope. NO hope. How dreary a picture that paints. And when there’s hope, then we have faith to sustain us. Faith to lead us through the uncertainties today to hope for a better tomorrow!

Some days

ashleewong — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 11:58:13 +0000

Some days, I just feel lousy.
Some days, I just don’t want to see anybody.
Some days, I just don’t want to face it all.
Some days, I just feel so bogged down.
Some days, I just feel so listless.
And some days, it gets better.
Soem days, a photo or a picture just captures my attention, piques my interest and I begin to awake from the numbness.
Some days, it’s all I could do to try and stay awake.
Some days, it’s not so easy.
Some days, it gets easier.
Some days, I yearn for my mind to empty of all thoughts.
Some days, counting my blessings makes me being to smile.
Some day maybe, when all this is over, I shall smile with a light, joyful heart again!
Some day…

Section-ing

ashleewong — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 10:09:21 +0000

Maybe I grew up, maybe I matured, maybe I just grew older. Let’s hope it’s growing wiser.
I learnt to section of certain parts of my life. Segregation.
When I was younger, emotional trauma or just plan bad-mood-don’t-feel-like-going-to-school days crop up. I’m not proud to say this, but the emotional grip those days had on me, made me feel rotten and I will just end up skipping school or work once or twice just toe deal with it.
But lately, I’m surprised to find myself being calm and reasonable about it.
Putting myself in my boss’s shoes, I realized that the company does not pay me to have emotional drawbacks or bad days. Work needs to be done and my boss pays me to do it. It is not fair to dump my troubles on the company. According to law that is, they grant compassionate leave, only for close deceased family members. They even grant paternity leave and sick leave. But on no account do they grant, I’m-drepressed leaves, nor I’m-hungover leaves, nor I’m-in-a-bad-mood leaves, nor even I-just-broke-up leaves. Pity, eh?
But that’s the way it is.
Not that in any way, it hurts any less. Yet, I cannot quite figure out wherein the difference lies.
Or maybe I just learnt that the sun does continue rising and setting regardless of how I’m feeling.
Cliche as this may sound. Life goes on.

grief

ashleewong — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 10:24:01 +0000

grief.

grief

ashleewong — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 10:22:39 +0000

Grief has a funny way of reaching through the chest, past the protective layer of flesh, to the bone, the, rib-cage, past those veins and arteries, right to that pumping heart and squeezing the very life out of it.
Never letting go, ohhh, yes, grief sure likes to ride on the wind while it lasts.
Grief has a way of turning your face away when you come to the places where you once shared meals or drinks.
Grief has a way of slapping you right across that face when you come face to face with the happiest memories.
Grief has a way of making you yearn for even the saddest memories with that company.
Grief has a way of slamming into you just around corner, leaving you gasping.
Grief has a way of stalking you, pinching your nose, while you struggle to breathe.
Grief has a way of creeping into those moments right before you sleep and snatching away rest.
Grief has a way of stealing your attention in the busiest moments.
Grief has a way of making you cry like a sobbing baby in the most mundane of moments.

Grief, that unrelenting, forceful, slave driver, whom we hate vehemently.

Now this is the irony. And yet.
It’s through grief that the heart develops into a stronger organ.
It’s through grief the heart heals.
It’s through grief that we learn to let go.
It’s through grief that we learn to grow.
It’s through grief that we learn to appreciate.
It’s through grief that we learn to cherish.
It’s through grief that life gives us moments weaved with unspeakable joy.

If the depth of the feelings were not as deeply rooted, could we have felt the sorrow as deeply? Thrown back our heads and laughed with such abandon? Felt joy and hope springing from that deep spring within?
The two opposing ends of the spectrum, as deeply as one has felt the joy, as deeply shall the grief be felt.
There’s no escaping those two. It’s a risk one takes. When we chase for the joy, we run the risk of facing the grief too.
Maybe, maybe we cry, not so much for the lost of those happy memories, maybe we grief for the happy memories that could have been made but now will never have the chance to be born.

draggggyyyy

ashleewong — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 06:04:03 +0000

I think this year end’s one of the hardest I’ve ever had to walk through in many, many years. Maybe I forgot to count the blessings and mercies God gives when I had a peaceful and lovely year ends. Maybe this year is just painful.
BUT I’m relieved at the same time. Dragging my feet, reluctant to let go of the destructive things of yore. Isn’t that the very nature of human? Knowing something is bad for you, yet addicted to it, or just used to having it around. Sort of making space for that horrible pain in the joint, walking a certain way to minimize the sharp stab of pain each time you put your foot down.
The result:- walking with a limp.
But, I’m waiting for the day when I’m done with this! I’m waiting for the day when I could just leave it ALL behind, and face it with a smile, look it right in the face and tell it, I’m done now. All cried out, all the past forgiven, yet not forgotten. Goodbye, goodluck. Bade you a fine farewell.
Until then, hurry up and heal, dear heart!

Despair, that darkness

ashleewong — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 07:44:40 +0000

Head groggy from too much sleep. Heart dulled with heartache. Sobs racked my body. Disappointment and pain ravaged my heart. Silent screams filling my mind.
I looked for small mercies. I looked for things to be thankful for. I searched for gratitude to be alive and breathing.
But at this moment, I couldn’t. Couldn’t see beyond that curtain of darkness that has swung around my head and blocked out all light. Try as I might, I couldn’t lift the blanket of despair.
I lifted my arms, I want to call for help.
Now tell me again, why did God make everyone of us long for a soul mate?
Why?
What happens when you cannot find he/she? What happens if you have to live alone for the rest of your life? The longing goes unfulfilled. The very darkness that just sucks the life out of you, all that joie de vivre out of your very existence.
I cannot live an hour without it coming to haunt me, cannot go through a day without it returning to taunt me. Time heals? *laughs mirthlessly
It but dulls the sharp edge of pain. I will never quite forget the sharp stab of pain.
Is this my consequence of being too hopeful? Is this my consequence of being too trusting?
Wishful thinking. That was what my mom alwaysss cautions me again. Too much of that too maybe.
In spite of it all, I guess the small sliver of hope, that ray of hope is still trying to penetrate through to my gloominess and my darkness.
I cannot say how long it’ll take it to be able to do it. But eventually, it will. I still say this despite being in the murky, inky gloominess, close to bursting into tears any any point.
My promise stays. If not it, then none at all. I know that none will be able to take the place.
Am I stubborn? Maybe. Am I silly? A little. Am I foolish? Definitely.

Christmas is upon us

ashleewong — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 06:26:40 +0000

Christmas came upon me suddenly. Oh, I was aware of the passing days, and the dates slipping by. Almost like one playing with a strand of pearls, absent mindedly fingering the pearls one by one and letting them slip along the rope. Before you know it, I had reached the last pearl!
That was the feeling Christmas gave me this year of 2011. I cannot remember taking any good photos of Christmas lights or any thing that made me feel Christmassy this year.
Every single year, I get nolstalgic, remminiscing about the year gone by, wondering what have I done, hoping for a better, more fruitful year. Wondering if I’m getting the gift I yearn for every year. This year, all those listed and more. Feelings of anxiety and a little bit of timidness crept up. I cannot help but hope and wish, hope and wish, hope and wish.
Thoughts unspoken, buried beneath the layers of fear and walls that time has erected, needs to be vocalized,and finally, I think we’re getting there!
And so this is Christmas, for black and for white, let’s hope its a good one, without any tears.
Let’s hope for good tidings, shall we?

Le Moment

ashleewong — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 07:36:56 +0000

I passed this cosy looking cafe a few years ago. I passed it another time, mentally resolving to sit inside for a drink later in the evening.
The white slats at the exterior of the building caught my attention, as did the wine bottles sitting in a jaunty row on the wooden slab, the black wrought iron, relaly narrow bar should have looked out of place as the wooden bar table and two chairs on the left should. Yet did not. Instead it added to the allure of the place.
I peeked inside and saw a smartly suited waiter, bending to place a fork at the precise location. The interior was decorated in white linen tablecloths, silverware and crystal glasses. Touches of golden light from the lamp bathed and highlighted the warm wooden furniture.
The one that really did it for me though, the chalkboard menu. I love those, white chalky, italized list of servings for the day.