it's a wrap!

just another manic monday…

worse than mere monday blues

 A picture says a thousand words. A picture’s so much better at conveying how I feel than when I say:-

“I’m so frustrated I opened my mouth, grabbed my hair by the roots, pulled hard, scrunched up my face and bellowed at the top of my voice.”

It lacks the visual, graphical impact somehow.

And, yes, I was at this stage when I woke up this morning, I was fuming, I questioned, why 2 out of 3? Why? Why give me hope and test my faith? Why why WHY?

After ranting the whole journey to work, there comes a breaking point, when quiet sobbing takes over and when there was no more strength left to fume, I am left to quieten down.

 I realized that after fuming and letting it go, I actually felt better. Calmer, not necessarily out of the blues yet, but I feel less  like murdering someone.

After muttering dozens of “I don’t understands” and asking thousands of “Whys” I have more or less, calmed the storms raging in my heart earlier.

Interestingly, when I calmed down, flicker of tiny thoughts of hope filled my mind. It is possible that the 3rd part has been answered favorably. I glared disbelievingly at myself. Scolding myself stupid and ignorant and even delusional I may, but they persist.

 I surprise myself. Am I just stubborn? Am I just too used to rationalizing the situation into how I want to see it? Am I just being stupid?

Above all, I know God is not a God of chaos and mess. He will never, ever do things that are unplanned. When He allows certain things to happen, He sees the ending. And by george I hope that golden bowl’s incense is the favorable reply that I am hoping for.

What is my hope based on? In God’s heart.

He may not make sense to me, in this situation, in this time, but He will.

And therefore, I put all that has happened before into logical sense, in a timeline, and I see the pattern. Though things may be too slow for my liking, there are occasions when I see the logic of the slowness after. Much, much later.

But…I am not left with much length of rope.

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