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just another manic monday…

Archive for February, 2011

Still small voice

I’ve drove my car for quite a number of years, it’s a little worse for wear to put it mildly. I am not a very careful driver and the poor car has taken the brunt for it on more than one occasion. The servicing for it was long due. And I knew the tyres were getting really, really borderline exploding. Not kidding there.
So, I basically prayed really hard for protection while I drive to work every morning.
There was this niggling feeling inside of me the entire week and that still small voice that told me, “You must get the car to a workshop this weekend.”
I thought about it and I really wanted to, but I was waiting for pay day.
And whadaya know? Pay came out earlier than usual! BEFORE the weekend, and still I was reluctant to go.
But, insistent was that feeling and that voice.
So I went, and I thank God many a times after that for His protection and mercy.
When they took my front left tyre out, the canvas and all the wires from the tyre was literally poking out. A few more trips and the thing would’ve exploded, and probably left my car spinning.
You see, I couldn’t see it because the exposure was inside. The inner part of the tyre, the one that’s hidden, between the rim and the body of the car.


I have been hooked on CSI for the longest time. I used to love the original Las Vegas series, with Grissom then came New York. As the seasons progressed, I grew to like the characters Mac Taylor (Gary Sinise) and Stella Bonasera (Melina Kanakarades) all the more. I love it when Stella speaks or exclaims, lapsing into Greek to express herself. There was this episode where she was having coffee with Mac outdoors. They just bought it and walked outdoors talking, sat down, she shook her packet of sugar, and “Plop”. Something fell from above, and the camera’s angle panned up to show a huge bird circling. She exclaimed “Yuck” then looking into her coffee cup, lapsed into Greek, I caught the word “caffe” something. But her expression was really funny. Incidentally, the thing that fell into her cup was not faeces, it was an eye. How’s that for bizarre?
I’m watching Season 5 of NY now. Lindsay (Anna Belknap)’s pregnant with Danny (Carmine Giovinazzo)’s child.
I’ve always thought that Danny will marry Lindsay because she’s pregnant. And he did ask her. But he asked her with a slight trace of hesitation. If I as an observer felt it, I’m sure Lindsay felt it all the more.
After that , she actually looked at him wih compassion, put a reassuring hand on him and said “No”. Felt he was asking her for the wrong reasons. And I couldn’t help but be amazed at her restraint. If I had been as much in love with Danny as she was, I would’ve been tempted to say “yes”, whatever the reason that was prompting him to ask for her hand. It was interesting to see the part of her where she was patient enough to let him have his time to work through his issues.
She said to him, “Wouldn’t you rather walk down the aisle then be pushed?”
I laughed. I did. The mental picture was just too much.
In following episodes, Lindsay seemed to have put this issue to rest for a season while Danny struggles to come to terms with his insecurities, to an answer that gives him peace.
When he went to speak to Mac about a case, he inadvertently got distracted when he saw Lindsay crossing. Sharp as ever Mac caught him in the act and reassures him that Lindsay will be back from her short break before he knows it.
Danny lets his demeanour slip and his frustration was evident when he told Mac he asked Lindsay to marry him but she said no, because she thinks that he is asking her to marry him because she was pregnant.
Mac says, “Are you?”
Danny says he doesn’t know, he’s so afraid of disappointing her and the kid.
Mac told him that he had these fears with his wife, Claire. He was also afraid that he couldn’t live up to her expectations. He was never in a hurry to have children with her, and now, when she had passed away, he regrets. He told Danny that he believed that God had brought Lindsay and him together and that they were blessed to have a child, that Danny could either continue living in that place of fear or he could choose to believe in the best version of himself.
It seemed that the talk cleared up some doubts and answered some questions for Danny, he stood up looking much more determined and at peace with himself.
Mac told him moments before he left, “You’ll make a good father.”

This little peek into the personal lives of the on-screen characters gave me a new insight into the interaction between two beings.
I’ve never really given much thought into the workings of the mind of the other gender. Never knew that they too could be plagued with insecurities and fears like these, albeit a different kind from my own.
I guess valor and honour really weighs heavier on them. It takes courage to be able to accept the consequences that comes when one nods to accept the challenge.
For worse or better, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
Now, that holds a lot of weight.

It’s Friday!

Yeap, it’s the day that precedes the weekend. And when one has had a helluva week, it’s with thankfulness and gratefulness that I welcome this day.
Although I know the day will be FULL, make that to the brim, it’s somehow more bearable just because tomorrow, I don’t have to work no more! Ha!
It feels good to tick off a few items on the To-Do list.
It is very odd that I start the week with a few and the list grows as the week moves along. And it could grow up to a whopping 20 over items that I need to complete by the end of the week.
Albeit I rarely managed to complete every single task on that list by the end of one week, I am really pleased every time I cross one out.
Talk about small mercies, traffic was relatively smooth today, I got to have Mcdonalds breakfast today too! 🙂
Looking forward to a quiet night tonight. It should be quite good.


It’s hard to describe what is missing. Your heart is aching and there’s this gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach. The feeling of waiting for the person to come back.
It’s not about the time between the last time you met the person or the last time you spoke.
It’s catching yourself thinking that you wish the person was with you whatever you’re doing at the moment.
You wonder if they feel the same way.
Feeling this and feeling terrible because you don’t know if they feel the same.
Catch yourself missing the person when you’re in the midst of something.
Missing someone, only to have your heart skip a beat at the ringing of the phone and to be surprised by the person’s call or text message.
It’s agony to wait, but elation to receive with open arms what you waited for.
Somebody once said, “Good things come to those who wait.”

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something”

“The heart that truly loves never forgets.”

I reflected on this quote for a moment. I realize that this quote puts into words the “whys” I have been asking.
Why do I remember the birthdays of certain people?
Why do I know certain telephone numbers off by heart?
Why do I remember the exact place and venue I meet a particular person?
Why do I remember the exact shirt the person wore on the particular day at a particular place?
Why do I remember how some people take their meals and drink?
Why do I associate the aroma with the person?

All answered in a single phrase: a heart that loves.


Once one has experienced being gripped by a blinding rage, one gets frightened by how easily one can lose control.
It’s like there’s an angry leaping fire, bright red and orange in front of your eyes and you can’t see straight.
You’re scared but at the same time, you want to keep charging straight forward like an angry bull.
You can’t help slamming things, literally straining to kick that door vehemently and feel the satisfaction of hearing it SLAM!
You want to throw things on the ground just to hear them smash. You pound on the hard cement ground as you walk and walk and walk, the energy propelling you forward.
Nothing soothes you, passers by walking leisurely gets on your nerves, the tinny music of the mall irritates you.
And when the eergy is finally spent, you feel so drained, you can barely lift your arm to get that cup of water. Bile rises in your throat as you sit slouched over in a chair. As you put your head down to rest on your arm, your eyes automatically close, and you can’t help drifting off to the droning of the air conditioner.


Out of the blue, I thought of my old blogs last night. Oh yes, I have quite a few littering the blogosphere. I dug up some of my writings from 7 years ago.
I read about my first break-up. The emotions and the tears are a distant memory now. I could empathise with the “me” then but I felt like I was reading someone else’s writings and experiences.
So, that’s how it feels to look at my past and experiences from a third party’s point of view.
The “me” then wrote as a 22 year old. As the years go by, I could see the metamorphorsis my writings have gone through. I see a different depth in things I write now.
Maybe when I read my writings now in 5 years time, I will once again marvel at the growth. Will I still be writing then? I think so. I hope so.


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Fulfilled. Not in the exact sequence which the dream played out. But I had a jolly good time. My post in 11.11.2010 entitled “Dreams” mentioned that part of the dream about a certain friend’s wedding being fulffilled when he invited me for it.

As my heart quicken at the remembrance that there was a 2nd part to the dream, I had wondered if it will be fulfilled as well. The mellow yellow sun, smell of fresh cut green grass, a tent and poles, circular stairs, and interesting company.

 Reality didn’t turn out quite like the dream.

I only attended the wedding reception in the evening. As it was a week to Christmas, the hotel was lavish with decorations, they even had a log cabin erected complete with snow, twinkling lights and a residential snowman. The only thing similar was the company I attended the occasion with.

I must say I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It’s no fun attending a wedding alone if you only know half of the couple getting hitched and nobody else! I’m glad I didn’t.

There are times when one thinks about life and wonder how on earth everything fell into place and fits like the pieces of a jigzaw puzzle.

Was I in any way influenced by the dream that I had? Or was the dream really an indication of what was to come?

But it was definitely aided and abetted with opening one’s mouth to ask. So, was I taking things into my own hands or the opportunity presented itself?

The key thing here is, I acted, I opened my mouth and I asked. Ask and you shall be given. Knock and you shall find. Seek and you shall receive.

Waiting and Acting. It’s like balancing a pair of scales, trying to keep it in mid-air. You can’t even place a nanogram worth more on either side less it tips! At times, I feel like I’m walking on tiptoes in the middle of a high wall and balancing scales. Other, I rage from one end of the scales to another, alternating between the deepest despair and reassuring hope, plunging into the depths of the valley and soaring into the bright blue sky.

Life’s like that. A balance. When will you know when to wait at the cliff and when to take the plunge? It would help if you listen to the still small voice within you. It pays to heed it. I can testify to it. The safeguarding voice of someone who cares deeply, who tells you when to spread your wings, close your eyes, step off the cliff into thin air and soar!