it's a wrap!

just another manic monday…

Archive for March, 2012

what if…

I stretched. I heard bones creaking, I hear little “twacks” coming from my joints, I feel the muscle aches. I allowed those two words to drift into my mind and linger. Interesting how two short, petite words can speak with such volumes. What if…
I allowed my imagination to run a little wild here.
What if I really get to marry the man I love?
What if I really get to have my dreams?
What if I really get to go where I want to go?
What if I really get to experience what I desire most?
What if I really get to have the freedom I want?
The possibility seems endless when I think about it, when I allowed myself the luxury to pause for a moment and think about the “what ifs”.
It’s been awhile.
I welcomed it like an old friend whom I’ve lost touch with. Cautiously, yet the familiarity comforts me, if it was a little rusty. That needs a little work. But maybe, just maybe one day, I could finally say, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”

gripping dream

It’s been awhile since I’ve been so gripped by a dream. it was so real, in terms of the emotions I felt, yet, I knew it wasn’t true because I was in sleep wear at a formal dinner. It just doesn’t make sense.
But the feelings were real enough.
It was so gripping, that fear in my heart. I know this is what the sayings mean when it says one’s heart is torn apart.
I digress.
I woke up at dawn, to the chill, maybe of the weather, maybe of the heart. My heart pounded, I sat up and the tears slid down my cheeks involuntarily. A lump in my throat.
It’s been months and yet the wound’s still as fresh and raw as it was the day it was inflicted. Sigh, when does healing happen? When do the tears stop?
Days like these, I wonder if the tears will ever dry up. I wonder if the dull ache in my heart will ever go away.
What a way to start the week with!
Chillblains.

Doubt

That horrible despair of a sinking feeling creeps into my heart.
I’m starting to doubt myself. Maybe I thought too highly of my capability to adapt to any situation. Of course, trying something new is always good. Even when I fail, I’ll realize what doesn’t work for me, you know?
I’m on that cliff teetering on the edge, my feet threatening to crawl over the edge and plunge me to those sharp, black rocks below. Oh, I don’t know.
I feel so listless lately. I feel like all the hope is being zapped out of my life.
My friends have moved on to various stages of their life. But I seemed to be stuck here at the very same spot I landed and dragged myself to 5 years ago.
Know that feeling of wanting to move but your feet are planted on the ground, roots snaking around your ankles and they seemed to have decided to root you to that particular spot? That’s the very way I feel.
I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. What am I capable, is it just a front I’m putting up? Am I falling apart?