it's a wrap!

just another manic monday…

Archive for consequences

i know i shouldn’t

I know I shouldn’t but I do.
I know I cannot, but I am.
I do wish sometimes that emotions are like taps of water when you can turn them off and turn them on whenever.

This is so ridiculous, I barely know you.

And I want to. But I guess time is not on my side.

I don’t have the luxury of discovering your gentleness and kindness at leisure.

I don’t have ample opportunity or time to meet you for lunches, teas and dinners.

I shouldn’t have let my feelings run away from me.

I shouldn’t have danced with you.

I didn’t regret it, but  I shouldn’t have.

Instinct, animal or otherwise

Instinct, that creepy crawly feeling you get when you look down a pitch black tunnel and think, maybe I should not go this way.

Instinct, when you see a dog in the middle of the road and turn back to take a detour.

Instinct, when you feel uncomfortable with someone and later finds out his a douche bag.

Instinct, born within us, to protect us, to flee from danger. Used correctly, this handy a tool might save one from mortal peril and some heartbreaks as well.

I remember I identified with the very thing the serial rapist/killer said. It was in the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. The actor had managed to get out of the killer’s house, but the killer opened his screen door and offered him a drink. Against his instinct, he went back in, and almost died because of that. I just remembered the goosebumps and the chill in my heart when I heard what the killer said to him, after confessing to the actor that he was the killer.

He portrayed himself, much like Ted Bundy, reserved, shy, non aggressive.

All the women over the years that he killed made just one small mistake, accepting his innocent offer of a drink or a seat with him. There was no reason to decline. They never made it alive out his door again. He sees their fear and sense their uneasiness, yet because of the innocence of the request he made of them, against their natural instinct, which sense danger, and which screamed at them to take flight, they ignored it. They accepted his innocent offer, and they were doomed.

He laughed, yes he did. He knows that had they said, “No, thank you.”, they would’ve lived. They would have made it back  to their homes, safe and sound. If only they had heeded that God given instinct to flee.

I think I better pay more attention to mine!

 

Section-ing

Maybe I grew up, maybe I matured, maybe I just grew older. Let’s hope it’s growing wiser.
I learnt to section of certain parts of my life. Segregation.
When I was younger, emotional trauma or just plan bad-mood-don’t-feel-like-going-to-school days crop up. I’m not proud to say this, but the emotional grip those days had on me, made me feel rotten and I will just end up skipping school or work once or twice just toe deal with it.
But lately, I’m surprised to find myself being calm and reasonable about it.
Putting myself in my boss’s shoes, I realized that the company does not pay me to have emotional drawbacks or bad days. Work needs to be done and my boss pays me to do it. It is not fair to dump my troubles on the company. According to law that is, they grant compassionate leave, only for close deceased family members. They even grant paternity leave and sick leave. But on no account do they grant, I’m-drepressed leaves, nor I’m-hungover leaves, nor I’m-in-a-bad-mood leaves, nor even I-just-broke-up leaves. Pity, eh?
But that’s the way it is.
Not that in any way, it hurts any less. Yet, I cannot quite figure out wherein the difference lies.
Or maybe I just learnt that the sun does continue rising and setting regardless of how I’m feeling.
Cliche as this may sound. Life goes on.

grief


Grief has a funny way of reaching through the chest, past the protective layer of flesh, to the bone, the, rib-cage, past those veins and arteries, right to that pumping heart and squeezing the very life out of it.
Never letting go, ohhh, yes, grief sure likes to ride on the wind while it lasts.
Grief has a way of turning your face away when you come to the places where you once shared meals or drinks.
Grief has a way of slapping you right across that face when you come face to face with the happiest memories.
Grief has a way of making you yearn for even the saddest memories with that company.
Grief has a way of slamming into you just around corner, leaving you gasping.
Grief has a way of stalking you, pinching your nose, while you struggle to breathe.
Grief has a way of creeping into those moments right before you sleep and snatching away rest.
Grief has a way of stealing your attention in the busiest moments.
Grief has a way of making you cry like a sobbing baby in the most mundane of moments.

Grief, that unrelenting, forceful, slave driver, whom we hate vehemently.

Now this is the irony. And yet.
It’s through grief that the heart develops into a stronger organ.
It’s through grief the heart heals.
It’s through grief that we learn to let go.
It’s through grief that we learn to grow.
It’s through grief that we learn to appreciate.
It’s through grief that we learn to cherish.
It’s through grief that life gives us moments weaved with unspeakable joy.

If the depth of the feelings were not as deeply rooted, could we have felt the sorrow as deeply? Thrown back our heads and laughed with such abandon? Felt joy and hope springing from that deep spring within?
The two opposing ends of the spectrum, as deeply as one has felt the joy, as deeply shall the grief be felt.
There’s no escaping those two. It’s a risk one takes. When we chase for the joy, we run the risk of facing the grief too.
Maybe, maybe we cry, not so much for the lost of those happy memories, maybe we grief for the happy memories that could have been made but now will never have the chance to be born.

draggggyyyy

I think this year end’s one of the hardest I’ve ever had to walk through in many, many years. Maybe I forgot to count the blessings and mercies God gives when I had a peaceful and lovely year ends. Maybe this year is just painful.
BUT I’m relieved at the same time. Dragging my feet, reluctant to let go of the destructive things of yore. Isn’t that the very nature of human? Knowing something is bad for you, yet addicted to it, or just used to having it around. Sort of making space for that horrible pain in the joint, walking a certain way to minimize the sharp stab of pain each time you put your foot down.
The result:- walking with a limp.
But, I’m waiting for the day when I’m done with this! I’m waiting for the day when I could just leave it ALL behind, and face it with a smile, look it right in the face and tell it, I’m done now. All cried out, all the past forgiven, yet not forgotten. Goodbye, goodluck. Bade you a fine farewell.
Until then, hurry up and heal, dear heart!

Despair, that darkness

Head groggy from too much sleep. Heart dulled with heartache. Sobs racked my body. Disappointment and pain ravaged my heart. Silent screams filling my mind.
I looked for small mercies. I looked for things to be thankful for. I searched for gratitude to be alive and breathing.
But at this moment, I couldn’t. Couldn’t see beyond that curtain of darkness that has swung around my head and blocked out all light. Try as I might, I couldn’t lift the blanket of despair.
I lifted my arms, I want to call for help.
Now tell me again, why did God make everyone of us long for a soul mate?
Why?
What happens when you cannot find he/she? What happens if you have to live alone for the rest of your life? The longing goes unfulfilled. The very darkness that just sucks the life out of you, all that joie de vivre out of your very existence.
I cannot live an hour without it coming to haunt me, cannot go through a day without it returning to taunt me. Time heals? *laughs mirthlessly
It but dulls the sharp edge of pain. I will never quite forget the sharp stab of pain.
Is this my consequence of being too hopeful? Is this my consequence of being too trusting?
Wishful thinking. That was what my mom alwaysss cautions me again. Too much of that too maybe.
In spite of it all, I guess the small sliver of hope, that ray of hope is still trying to penetrate through to my gloominess and my darkness.
I cannot say how long it’ll take it to be able to do it. But eventually, it will. I still say this despite being in the murky, inky gloominess, close to bursting into tears any any point.
My promise stays. If not it, then none at all. I know that none will be able to take the place.
Am I stubborn? Maybe. Am I silly? A little. Am I foolish? Definitely.

toss and turn


Sleepless nights are no fun.
Toss and turn, toss and turn.
Questions and thoughts stalking and stomping across your tired brain.
Eyelids refusing to open, brain refuses to shut down.
Rest is a fantasy.
Waking up, feeling like there was no rest.
Would it have been better not to sleep at all?
If that constitutes as sleep even.