it's a wrap!

just another manic monday…

Archive for Life

stop running, stop hiding

Call it an epiphany (I didn’t even realize I know the word till I needed to write it!), call it a revelation, call it what you may. A realization, maybe.

Whenever I get heartaches, people hurt me, I shy away, I turn around and I walk away. I psych-talk myself into thinking and feeling its not that big a deal, do not make a scene. Just quietly slip away.

I have been doing that all my life. And in the past, I grew to resent the people I am with because I hid so much of my hurts, my disappointments, my I’m-not-ok-with-this from them.

It became a habit to ask for those emotions to be taken away, it became a habit to tiptoe around things I love because I was afraid to lose them, afraid that once they see how much they mean to me, they turn tail and sprint the other way. It became a habit to always, always hold back.

Yes, I am disappointed, I am hurt. It feels like a knife is being stuck into my heart and twisted intentionally, slowly. Almost to a physical pain.

This time, I am not going to run anymore. I am going to stand my ground and I am going to face it. Face my heart and what it’s really feeling. No running away, no hiding. No more.

It’s time to face it.

What a Wonderful World

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熟一餐给自己。
Cooking is therapeutic.
I might have scoffed at this a few weeks back, even yesterday. But today, I found it interesting that I should consider it a reasonable saying.
What a Wonderful World is beckoning to me. I think I will not get any rest until I break her down to pieces and understand what she is made of. So before setting down to mug for the test, I shall put to rest these restlessness of the Wonderful World.

Music

I have a group of people I should thank. It’s been many moons since I last sang and played.
Somewhere in the chaos and humdrum of daily slog and life, the notes, the rhythm just got left behind.
Maybe I told her once too many times, that I was busy, that I didn’t have time for her. Eventually her calls got softer. And I haven’t heard them in a long time.
Recently, I began to hear music again, felt the passion stirring in the little corners of my heart. Felt the sweetness when I caressed the smooth taut wood.
I begin to hear the notes, cadences and lilting melodies amidst the hustle and bustle of life. I began to hear music again, once I started to listen.
😉

Heart of a father

Early morning, before the mall started to get crazy with people thronging its floors, we sat with our mugs of steaming coffee and danishes.
The lone grand piano sat at the podium, having a quiet moment before the pianist comes.
A little girl dressed in a tartan skirt, ballerina tights and sweet white sweater danced around the deserted podium, her father keeping his eyes on her.
With a smile, she beckoned a father to come dance!
He clumsily pirouetted and walked like a penguin, to the daughter’s squeals of laughter.
We sat, watching the short, sweet little pantomime, laughter bubbling.
The father and daughter was never aware how much pleasure and how much they brighten up our days, just by simply enjoying each other on a bright sunny morning in an empty podium.

Get up, dress up, show up

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up for life — Regina Brett
This is a tough one to adhere to when one feels like crap. I just want to wallow in this pile of blankets, fall into a dreamless sleep the whole weekend and not think about how I screwed everything up you know? I just want to forget, and yet I keep hearing this still small voice telling me, “Kid, I made you better than this.” And I go, “Oh really? Watch me prove You wrong!”
In the end, after the warm tears are done trickling down my cheeks, after I have turned every possible thought over in my mind and came to the same conclusion that, life goes on, I do get up, dress up and show up for life. I am sure Ms. Brett would have approved.

an evening stroll

Walking pass an old man packing up for the day at a little green hut in a little lane, I was drawn to the music from his stereo, of “How Deep Is Your Love?” and the proprietor humming along to it. He was just enjoying himself, blasting music, bobbing his head along with the tune, folding up some canvas bags. I can’t help smiling because this is really one of those little pleasures in life that could just slip by quietly and unnoticed. Yet I caught this moment, and in turn, this made me smile! 🙂

i know i shouldn’t

I know I shouldn’t but I do.
I know I cannot, but I am.
I do wish sometimes that emotions are like taps of water when you can turn them off and turn them on whenever.

This is so ridiculous, I barely know you.

And I want to. But I guess time is not on my side.

I don’t have the luxury of discovering your gentleness and kindness at leisure.

I don’t have ample opportunity or time to meet you for lunches, teas and dinners.

I shouldn’t have let my feelings run away from me.

I shouldn’t have danced with you.

I didn’t regret it, but  I shouldn’t have.