it's a wrap!

just another manic monday…

Archive for Musings

stop running, stop hiding

Call it an epiphany (I didn’t even realize I know the word till I needed to write it!), call it a revelation, call it what you may. A realization, maybe.

Whenever I get heartaches, people hurt me, I shy away, I turn around and I walk away. I psych-talk myself into thinking and feeling its not that big a deal, do not make a scene. Just quietly slip away.

I have been doing that all my life. And in the past, I grew to resent the people I am with because I hid so much of my hurts, my disappointments, my I’m-not-ok-with-this from them.

It became a habit to ask for those emotions to be taken away, it became a habit to tiptoe around things I love because I was afraid to lose them, afraid that once they see how much they mean to me, they turn tail and sprint the other way. It became a habit to always, always hold back.

Yes, I am disappointed, I am hurt. It feels like a knife is being stuck into my heart and twisted intentionally, slowly. Almost to a physical pain.

This time, I am not going to run anymore. I am going to stand my ground and I am going to face it. Face my heart and what it’s really feeling. No running away, no hiding. No more.

It’s time to face it.

Source of Inspiration

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Sometimes you never know when something you do encourages inspires someone.
But I know many a times when i have been inspired by the people I know.

Music

I have a group of people I should thank. It’s been many moons since I last sang and played.
Somewhere in the chaos and humdrum of daily slog and life, the notes, the rhythm just got left behind.
Maybe I told her once too many times, that I was busy, that I didn’t have time for her. Eventually her calls got softer. And I haven’t heard them in a long time.
Recently, I began to hear music again, felt the passion stirring in the little corners of my heart. Felt the sweetness when I caressed the smooth taut wood.
I begin to hear the notes, cadences and lilting melodies amidst the hustle and bustle of life. I began to hear music again, once I started to listen.
😉

i know i shouldn’t

I know I shouldn’t but I do.
I know I cannot, but I am.
I do wish sometimes that emotions are like taps of water when you can turn them off and turn them on whenever.

This is so ridiculous, I barely know you.

And I want to. But I guess time is not on my side.

I don’t have the luxury of discovering your gentleness and kindness at leisure.

I don’t have ample opportunity or time to meet you for lunches, teas and dinners.

I shouldn’t have let my feelings run away from me.

I shouldn’t have danced with you.

I didn’t regret it, but  I shouldn’t have.

Wiping the slate clean

Wiping the slate clean.
What a valuable chance one gets when one gets the chance to wipe the slate clean.
Erase the hurt i caused. Erase the words i said. Erase the mistakes i made. Erase the past.
When you get a chance to start over (frankly i thought these situations only happened in movies) what do you do?
The rational answer would of course be: why, take it, embrace it, live it!

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喝杯茶, 吃個包

On a sunny Friday morning, I’m sitting here drinking tea, eating a bun. Somehow that doesn’t quite convey the full essence of the meaning when said in English as opposed to saying it in Chinese. I want to say like I’m relaxed, laid back, all prepared to welcome the weekend, and just sipping my tea and nibbling dainty morsels of cha siew, with it’s chewy outerwear.

Oh well, I’m glad it’s the starting of the weekend. The kind where one just goes with the flow. I sort of know what I have to do over the weekend. But not restricted by time.

There’s a place for a productive weekend where everything is planned to a T, appointments are made to the minute and things get accomplished. Satisfaction at the end of the weekend.

Then there’s a place for the other kind of weekend. It’s vague. Plans are made for lunch but no specific time set. A call when one wakes up. I might go run an errand or service the car impromptu. Maybe even paint for a bit if time permits.

Which kind of weekend do I prefer? Maybe the latter most of the time, with the former just to break the routine once in awhile.

 

Instinct, animal or otherwise

Instinct, that creepy crawly feeling you get when you look down a pitch black tunnel and think, maybe I should not go this way.

Instinct, when you see a dog in the middle of the road and turn back to take a detour.

Instinct, when you feel uncomfortable with someone and later finds out his a douche bag.

Instinct, born within us, to protect us, to flee from danger. Used correctly, this handy a tool might save one from mortal peril and some heartbreaks as well.

I remember I identified with the very thing the serial rapist/killer said. It was in the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. The actor had managed to get out of the killer’s house, but the killer opened his screen door and offered him a drink. Against his instinct, he went back in, and almost died because of that. I just remembered the goosebumps and the chill in my heart when I heard what the killer said to him, after confessing to the actor that he was the killer.

He portrayed himself, much like Ted Bundy, reserved, shy, non aggressive.

All the women over the years that he killed made just one small mistake, accepting his innocent offer of a drink or a seat with him. There was no reason to decline. They never made it alive out his door again. He sees their fear and sense their uneasiness, yet because of the innocence of the request he made of them, against their natural instinct, which sense danger, and which screamed at them to take flight, they ignored it. They accepted his innocent offer, and they were doomed.

He laughed, yes he did. He knows that had they said, “No, thank you.”, they would’ve lived. They would have made it back  to their homes, safe and sound. If only they had heeded that God given instinct to flee.

I think I better pay more attention to mine!