it's a wrap!

just another manic monday…

Archive for November, 2010

incense in a golden bowl

I read in the book of Revelations that the prayer of the saints is put into a golden bowl and carried by an angel, the incense rising to God.

Another angel, who had a golden censer, came and stood at the altar. He was given much incense to offer, with the prayers of all the saints, on the golden altar before the throne. The smoke of the incense, together with the prayers of the saints, went up before God from the angel’s hand. (Revelation 8:3,4)

Then the angel took the censer, filled it with fire from the altar, and hurled it on the earth; and there came peals of thunder, rumblings, flashes of lightning and an earthquake. (Revelation 8:5)

Prayers go up to God as sweet smelling incense. If I looked at it from this context, I am awed because I see how precious our prayer is to God.

I often think that prayers are mere conversations with God, I doing the talking most of the time. At times I have a respond in the form of a quiet still voice, at times when I’m berating and mumbling and letting of steam, it’s a tolerating silence. Not once did it cross my mind, until recently how God treasures our prayers so very much, He puts it in a golden bowl.

If so, I would picture those prayers residing in huge bowls, large bowls, medium bowls, small bowls and mini bowls.

There are prayers that reside in mini bowls, those are the instant ones that don’t need much prayer to overflow and the answer pours out, prayers like those of a child to have a doll or a toy train, prayers for the rain to stop so that one can go skiing, prayers for a parking spot, prayers for the traffic lights to be green, prayers for a favourite shop to be opened, prayers for a call from someone you love.

Then there are prayers that are in small bowls, prayers like those of a child pray and his parents praying for his exams, prayers for a pay increase, prayers for a mission team overseas, prayers for protection upon loved ones every day.

Then there are prayers that are in the medium, large and huge bowls, prayers for healing from a sickness, prayers for a good leader, prayers for a new job, prayers for a life partner and prayers for someone’s salvation.

What defines some of those prayers in those bowl sizes? I can only think of God’s sovereignity. Why does a person have to pray for 10 years for his dad to be saved while the next prayed for 7 years? Why does a person get immediate healing, get up and walk while the next person gains strength in his legs every day and takes 2 years to walk normally again? Why does someone pray for a life partner and meets one the very next year, why does one pray for the love and waits 3 years and why does another meet one after she almost gives up?

What tips the bowl over? How many prayers are needed before the bowl overflows and those prayers get answered?

*Food for thought, purely my own. Except for the Bible verse, none of the above writings are deduced from the Bible or any sources.

too good to be true

I woke up feeling emotionally, physically, mentally drained. The pale, golden sun was partially hidden behind some fuzzy coluds, it looks almost ethereal. Almost like the picture below.

I had difficulty coming down from the slippery slope without missing a step and bashing my arms, legs and head in the process.

Well, it’s time to wake up and smell the roses. I call this month my November dream. Often when people say, it’s too good to be true, it often is.

But when this is put into context where the almighty God is concerned, once again, it’s a battle between the heart and mind.

The disappointed heart says, “You just don’t get it do you? It’s not going to happen, wake up from dreamland. Just when you start to think that it’s too good to be true, well, it IS!”

The logical mind says, “Why would God do that? He’s not a person who takes matters of the heart lightly. He’s no prankster. Why would He pull something like that on me? It does not fit His character.”

The heart, “Ahh, forget it, all those years and tears come to naught. Just let it go, it is never going to come true. It’s too good to be true.”

The mind responds, “You’re right, it’s too good to be true. With Him, if you think it’s too good to be true, it’s probably going to be better.”

I sound too optimistic for my own good, don’t I? Well, I’m not a naturally optimistic person. Then, I am probably a really stubborn person? Yeah, that I may be. But in certain situations, I take a bite, and refuse to let go like a Rottweiler even though I get shaken and bumped around like a mere rat is because, I really do know that it is going to get better. Shiatz…I don’t make sense.

Honestly I do not know how conviction happens, but if there’s somebody being tasked to do this, I would like to crush him at times and then give him a really huge hug. *Contradictory.

worse than mere monday blues

 A picture says a thousand words. A picture’s so much better at conveying how I feel than when I say:-

“I’m so frustrated I opened my mouth, grabbed my hair by the roots, pulled hard, scrunched up my face and bellowed at the top of my voice.”

It lacks the visual, graphical impact somehow.

And, yes, I was at this stage when I woke up this morning, I was fuming, I questioned, why 2 out of 3? Why? Why give me hope and test my faith? Why why WHY?

After ranting the whole journey to work, there comes a breaking point, when quiet sobbing takes over and when there was no more strength left to fume, I am left to quieten down.

 I realized that after fuming and letting it go, I actually felt better. Calmer, not necessarily out of the blues yet, but I feel less  like murdering someone.

After muttering dozens of “I don’t understands” and asking thousands of “Whys” I have more or less, calmed the storms raging in my heart earlier.

Interestingly, when I calmed down, flicker of tiny thoughts of hope filled my mind. It is possible that the 3rd part has been answered favorably. I glared disbelievingly at myself. Scolding myself stupid and ignorant and even delusional I may, but they persist.

 I surprise myself. Am I just stubborn? Am I just too used to rationalizing the situation into how I want to see it? Am I just being stupid?

Above all, I know God is not a God of chaos and mess. He will never, ever do things that are unplanned. When He allows certain things to happen, He sees the ending. And by george I hope that golden bowl’s incense is the favorable reply that I am hoping for.

What is my hope based on? In God’s heart.

He may not make sense to me, in this situation, in this time, but He will.

And therefore, I put all that has happened before into logical sense, in a timeline, and I see the pattern. Though things may be too slow for my liking, there are occasions when I see the logic of the slowness after. Much, much later.

But…I am not left with much length of rope.

360minutes

Just for today, I wish that the hour 3pm has 360minutes.
I think I need to be divided into a few “me”s to finish all the matters pending at hand, plus those ad-hocs that get thrown my way every other hour!
Sheesh…

To bolt or not to bolt

 This is me, at this moment. I feel like bolting away… far, far away.

I was swimming laps yesterday and thinking. I was washing something and thinking. I was on the way to the washroom and thinking. It’s been like this some days recently. I will anticipate with eagerness for the future to arrive, like a little child awaiting Christmas, with all the presents, lights, carols and candies.

The next minute, I will be dreading what’s coming. I look around for the nearest exit. I am lookong for a car or a flight to take me away.

 Then, I could almost hear the Father laughing, catching ahold of me as I was bolting…

“Noooo…!” (me!)

“No, you don’t child.” (Him)

And He sets me right in front of Him, looking into the horizon. I held on for dear life.

 And He laughingly says to me, “After months and months and years of your pleas and petitions ringing in my ears, when I give in to you, you bolt?”

“Yeah,” I thought, “Of course I bolt, this is scary! What if it’s not what I want or ask for? What if it doesn’t turn out the way I had envision it? What if it’s 7% off base? What if, nothing happens?”

And ever gracious, He who has the patience to bear all the nonsensical people like me, says, “No way, have a little faith, child, you’ll stay here and watch, with Me.”

And, with due anticipation, I do. Once again, I hope, oh how I hope.

On an unrelated note, I was searching for pictures picturing the emotions I felt. Out of those many pictures with the tag “Anticipation”, most are of brides.

 

回来

轻轻松松的我,今天发现:-

“我的心被带走了!”

快回来啦…

Wedding Dreams

Most little girls dream of weddings. Maybe it’s all those Disney fairy tales we’ve watched growing up. I’m sure some boys watch these stuff too. But I’m dead sure they don’t have all these fantasies and play acting of marriage with their peers. Galactica wars maybe. Most anyway. Those poor fellas who do, are most probably roped in by their girl-friends, I betcha! 🙂
So why does this inate desire show up so strongly in little girls?
Well, I think girls are made like that. I have a girl-friend who gave a memorable answer when she was asked, “What dreams do you have when you were a little girl?”
She answered, “I dreamt of getting married.”
In essence, she was saying she dreams of a home, with a husband and kids.
Maybe not every woman’s dream in this current world.Some women were disillusioned by men, some just couldn’t find one they want to spend the rest of their lives with, some just don’t get married.

So should I just go out and grab one, like now? 😀

I dream of getting married too, literally. As far as I remember I have always dreamt of marriage, off and on.

And every time in those dreams, I was either regretting agreeing to marry the guy, thinking of backing out few days before the marriage, or dreading the day.

I don’t think there were specifically any theme to these dreams. It could be an arranged marriage, it could be I like someone else but I am marrying another, it could be I’m obliging the person by agreeing to the marriage? Bizarre, huh? I know.

I guess the underlying current of those fears will be: That I am terrified, terrified of marrying a person who’s inappropriate for me, and having to spend the rest of my life with him.

The only time I dreamt without those fears and woke up not feeling distressed was a few weeks ago. I was newly wed, and my husband was a busy man. But that feeling of peace and surety amidst the chaos was so calming, so precious and priceless.  

Now I have an inkling of how it feels to be married to someone that you REALLY want to spend the rest of your life with, and I hope I will.