it's a wrap!
just another manic monday…Archive for hope
what if…
I stretched. I heard bones creaking, I hear little “twacks” coming from my joints, I feel the muscle aches. I allowed those two words to drift into my mind and linger. Interesting how two short, petite words can speak with such volumes. What if…
I allowed my imagination to run a little wild here.
What if I really get to marry the man I love?
What if I really get to have my dreams?
What if I really get to go where I want to go?
What if I really get to experience what I desire most?
What if I really get to have the freedom I want?
The possibility seems endless when I think about it, when I allowed myself the luxury to pause for a moment and think about the “what ifs”.
It’s been awhile.
I welcomed it like an old friend whom I’ve lost touch with. Cautiously, yet the familiarity comforts me, if it was a little rusty. That needs a little work. But maybe, just maybe one day, I could finally say, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn!”
Despair, that darkness
Head groggy from too much sleep. Heart dulled with heartache. Sobs racked my body. Disappointment and pain ravaged my heart. Silent screams filling my mind.
I looked for small mercies. I looked for things to be thankful for. I searched for gratitude to be alive and breathing.
But at this moment, I couldn’t. Couldn’t see beyond that curtain of darkness that has swung around my head and blocked out all light. Try as I might, I couldn’t lift the blanket of despair.
I lifted my arms, I want to call for help.
Now tell me again, why did God make everyone of us long for a soul mate?
Why?
What happens when you cannot find he/she? What happens if you have to live alone for the rest of your life? The longing goes unfulfilled. The very darkness that just sucks the life out of you, all that joie de vivre out of your very existence.
I cannot live an hour without it coming to haunt me, cannot go through a day without it returning to taunt me. Time heals? *laughs mirthlessly
It but dulls the sharp edge of pain. I will never quite forget the sharp stab of pain.
Is this my consequence of being too hopeful? Is this my consequence of being too trusting?
Wishful thinking. That was what my mom alwaysss cautions me again. Too much of that too maybe.
In spite of it all, I guess the small sliver of hope, that ray of hope is still trying to penetrate through to my gloominess and my darkness.
I cannot say how long it’ll take it to be able to do it. But eventually, it will. I still say this despite being in the murky, inky gloominess, close to bursting into tears any any point.
My promise stays. If not it, then none at all. I know that none will be able to take the place.
Am I stubborn? Maybe. Am I silly? A little. Am I foolish? Definitely.